I think one of the most terrible things in life is to be faced with the fact that what you thought you had, what you had worked so hard to build around you, is a dream world, a house of cards that could collapse at any moment. It was precisely because of his own inner insecurity that he decided to build a secure background, and it took a great deal of stress, theatre, and pretence to finally get to the point where he had something behind him. A marriage, a career, money, friends, hobbies, a life. But if these don’t make you happy, then something must be wrong. And that’s life; if the basics are not right, sooner or later, things will fall apart! That’s what happened to me!
I now consider myself one of those rare cases who have managed to get out of the hamster wheel. Of course, I only say this to myself in hindsight, when I started out on my new journey, I didn’t really know what I was doing; I didn’t really appreciate the consequences of my actions. I thought that I had to look at my marriage with clear eyes, without any influence and without any acting. I was amazed to see that it had become completely worthless. I thought that I should then simply keep my present life and look for a new partner. However, I will be completely honest now; there is no showing off of special skills, no pretending. Obviously, it wasn’t easy at the beginning, but I wanted a partner who was completely real. I can consider myself lucky because life has given me the chance. I had never been so happy in my life as when we met, because I had already seen my future. I have a career, friends, and hobbies, and now I finally have a partner. But the joy didn’t last long, because the biggest drawback of a real partner is that they are completely honest. Barely a few weeks into my love affair and I found myself with every area of my life under serious scrutiny. The “I’m special, I live a special life” slogans no longer worked, as every minute of the day, I was first showing my newfound partner, and after a while myself, in the mirror. I decided to change jobs. I got a huge slap in the face, because while I was preparing for what my bosses had already led me to believe, that I would have to manage a long transfer over a period of several months, as my job was essential, I ended up being thrown out of the job in the space of a week, and although I was paid a fair wage, my presence was no longer needed. The next stop was friends, who, of course, tried with all their might to talk me out of the change. New partner, new city, new job, everyone warned me against it. No one understood, nor really wanted to know, that this was not a sudden impulse attack on my own happiness, but a serious step to avoid ending up in hospital at the age of forty with a serious, incurable illness. Or to actually be able to go home one day. Not to my own home, but to a home where I have a companion and an environment where I can really be myself. Not my constructed role, but just annoyingly myself. Of course, I have a few good contacts left and two friends who, when they ask “how are you?”, are genuinely curious to know the answer, who are concerned about me, and if something important happens, they always get in touch.
The most painful point
I have gone through a lot of developmental stages to be a self-identified person today, someone who says when he is happy because he also admits when he is sad. Perhaps the most painful point for me was the transformation of family relationships. I come from a large family, and it was drastic to experience that family members have different attitudes toward people and just because we are biologically related, not everyone has the happiness of the other in mind. It is these family relationships that are the most difficult to reassess and rebuild and repair, and this is where most people stumble in their lives. Because if they tend to compromise here, they tend to compromise in other areas of life, and then sooner or later, they end up where I started with my own story. And why do you have to take these unpleasant steps? Is it all worth it to be yourself? Today I have to say that yes, it was worth every minute of the journey. After all, when I sit down to do my job today, I know exactly what value I am adding to the company that pays me. I know that I am not indispensable, but I also know exactly, in terms of quality of life, volume of work, and feedback, that it would be increasingly difficult for the company to do without me. Today they could not do without me for a week, as they did before. My colleagues respect me. I don’t have lunch with them every day, I don’t chit-chat like I used to, but there is appreciation in every sentence. My partner is a very special person, and I can confidently say that I have a special relationship. It has also shown me that I, on the other hand, do not have any special skills. However, I can see exactly how much background I can give and when I am with them, I am in the limelight. I also know that I helped to create that limelight, so I have a right to be there. I have become visible and noticeable, and now I don’t want to be. Yes, I am ordinary, I am a decent person, and I am supposed to be likeable. Not loud, not unique in the traditional sense of the word, but 70-80% of people are not in that sense. We can work hard, we care about people, and we appreciate the little things. We are water carriers, and that’s fine. And you know what, that’s what makes us who we are.