Everyone – all right, almost everyone – dreams of a child who behaves perfectly and immediately adapts to our expectations and the standards of their nursery, kindergarten, or even their school. This child is nice and kind but at the same time determined and dominant if necessary. They not only excel at the humanities but science as well. They can keep themselves entertained with their games for days, but at the same time, they are dynamic and constantly on the move. In brief, the perfect condition for parents is when they can adapt and form their children as necessary, while the light of their life becomes a precious gem from a rough diamond. Dear parents, we all know that this has no relation to reality, don’t we? We all know that a “material” is either easy to shape like playdough or hard to polish like a diamond, don’t we? We all know that no precious diamond dough kid exists, don’t we? Why is that so? Mainly because our child’s acts, decisions, and behaviour stem from their personality. As a result, a child’s successful life depends on the recognition and utmost vindication of their personality. No child exhibits all the personality traits. If we possess a huge amount of a certain personality type, we have a smaller amount of another type, for sure. In a word, some traits characterise a child very much, while others less. That is the way the world works. There is no good or bad personality type. There are no personality traits that are only good or only bad. There are no unequivocally good or bad children. A child’s successful and happy life depends on how much parents accept their personality and support them to be themselves through their personality; it keeps them from becoming unhappy adults because of the role forced upon them by parents, other adults, or society. So, if we really want to see our children shine like a diamond, we shouldn’t shape them according to our liking, just like playdough. This book on personality-based child-rearing provides you with significant support for this noble task.
Before I delve into sharing my ambitious and world-changing thoughts about a child’s personality, its development, decision-making mechanisms in our life, points of decision-making, factors influencing these points, and guidance and recommendations closely related to these topics—in summary, how we can direct our child towards the happiest and most successful career—I would like to introduce myself. My name is Miklós Palencsár, and I am a business mentor, company owner, and founder of an internationally recognised system that identifies decision-making based on psychology. Although the book is based on significant psychological, generational, social, sociological, and even historical knowledge, unfortunately, I must disappoint everyone: I am not an expert in any of these fields. I do not have a diploma or even a secretly purchased certificate connected to these fields. I am an economist, and finance was the main focus of my early studies. To be honest, I must call myself a finance-controlling expert based on my official documentation. Controlling is the strongest pillar of my current business activity because although I have learned several things that contributed to my business success, I am an honest, realistic, analytical person who looks for logical connections, and at the end of the day, I only believe in facts. Why do I write about parenting at all? Because I believe that it is a field where we cannot make mistakes, as they have serious consequences. Because I am ready to listen to and embrace the above-mentioned branches of science that are often based on subjectivity. However, at the end of the day, I want to collect information systematically, filter out subjectivity, and strive to obtain the most objective information. That is why I need to write about the topic of child-rearing, because all around the world, I often see brainstorming, thoughts, and half-developed theories using these branches of science as a basis. On the other side of the table sit the parents, who desperately try to give their children the best—at least as far as expectable behaviour—and are at a loss after a while because they experience subjectivity everywhere. They do not find a clear-cut system that could be a real guide to construct their child’s future. Of course, I do not claim that the following pages are the only recommended way for your children to become happy and successful. I would never say so, although I have an adequate amount of self-confidence. However, I consider respect important, and there are indeed experts in the world who are really competent in their field, and I would put any child’s future in their hands. The problem is that these experts are not loud enough, hard to find, and do not communicate much, as they concentrate on their profession and becoming even better at it. Instead of flooding parents with appealing theories, they constantly keep deepening their knowledge. I am lucky because experts of this kind surround me. This book would not have been possible without their knowledge. Nevertheless, they must accept that somewhere, someone needs to write down these things because, if it goes unused, expertise on its own has little value.
Those who know me will be shocked to read a book on child-rearing written by me. The “great business mentor”—who is the private mentor of very important people, who mentors company leaders, company owners, head coaches, rectors, and academic leaders internationally, who is deliberately building his business, and only invests energy in things from which he knows exactly when and under what circumstances he will profit— is wasting his time writing a book about children? They will be looking for the payoff for the time invested. Where will profit come from? As a business development expert, I always stress that tangible results are the final measurement point in the development of individuals, teams, organisations, national teams, clubs, etc. I believe the same applies to parenting. Actually, that is the field where I emphasise it the most. The reason I am writing this down now is that I expect results from it. Some people do not only know me but are familiar with what I am really like. They will not be surprised by the publication of this book. They were already looking forward to it because they know that I have “weaknesses”. I must confess that one of my weaknesses is the topic of child-rearing. It is awfully hard for me to see less fortunate, suffering children or when I see that a child’s life is doomed. It is also hard to digest that children waste their talent, skills, and their loving parents encourage this process. It is depressing to see how adults, whether parents, teachers, coaches, or anyone else around the child, make the child’s development impossible because of their own personalities. Although controlling, organisation, and perfectionism play a crucial role in my life, I am an idealist when it comes to children. I believe in and want to contribute to a world where every child lives the happiest life possible, and parents bring the most out of their children. A world where children do not have to play roles constantly and act in certain ways only to be more accepted by some people. I believe that we can live in a world where people do not have to realise at the age of 30, 40, 50, or 60 that they chose the wrong profession, built the wrong career, or the worst case: they developed an untenable private life. If the upbringing we get differs from our personality, it results in serious personality modifications. It does not matter how spiritedly an average person explains what personality traits children need to embrace to be better; modifications happen if children need to integrate personality traits into their personalities that are very different from their original personalities. It might make the life of a teacher, class, school, or even parents easier in the short run, but it is also sure to cause lasting harm. What is more, children will experience the suffering of this harm in adulthood, when they build their lives upon dreams and false self-images, and will be forced to live in this fake world. However, it lasts only until that point when this house of cards collapses due to a crisis. Then, “children” will be standing there as adults, alone, helpless, and full of fear. They will realise, surprising themselves as well, that they do not want to live that life. That is not what they are like. The lucky ones can change their life at great costs by forming a new family, planning a new career, and accepting great losses. Of course, platitudes like “everything happens for a reason” and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” often surface in such cases.
From the age of three, I remember almost every moment of my life. As a mentor, looking back on the past is interesting. The recognition that I did not change at all is staggering. That is, my personality did not change. My basic traits have always been there, and I am grateful that I have always known who I really am. Of course, I can identify those periods of my life when I had to play certain roles because of the community. That is why I know the importance of these roles. As an analytic and critical person who expresses his opinion, I had tough times because of certain childhood events. These events did not only cause hardships for me, but others around me as well. As a small child, I was exactly like the man I am now. I shared my opinions and thoughts with anyone without fear or overthinking. I have always liked constructive discussions. Nevertheless, few people wanted a five-year-old like that to be around them. This personality trait did not have only positive effects. I adjusted myself to society too. I played roles to build up my career. Then, the period also came when negative effects followed this behaviour. Everything was a given. A seemingly perfect career and private life. I felt it already at the age of 29 that I was not only not enjoying that life, but was also averse to it. By that time, my modified personality was significantly different from my original personality. The degree of my personality modification exceeded the extent – although I could not measure it back then – that would have provided me with a stress-free and happy life. What evoked it? I had to check what the biggest and longest-lasting roles were in my life because they induced psychological imprinting and personality modification in me. They perfectly showed why what I had built was a house of cards. But I am not complaining because I started to live the happiest and most successful version of my life quite early. I found my partner, with whom I have lived happily for 15 years. I have a job that I do not consider to be work, but a profession I really like. It provides professional recognition and significant financial possibilities for me. The most important thing is that it allows me to actually do something so that children growing up in the future will spend even less time not being themselves.
When writing a book, I always feel like B-Rabbit at the end of the movie 8 Mile. The film presents the life of Eminem, one of the world’s greatest rappers. Near the end of the film, the protagonist is getting ready for the final battle. He knows that he can only win if he manages to touch upon his opponent’s weakest points with the help of freestyle rap. In this way, the opponent loses his temper, and it makes rhyming more complicated for him. B-Rabbit realises that his opponent might have the same plan because he can also be attacked. That is why he changes tactics and starts “humiliating” himself. He goes after his weaknesses that his opponent could have used. When authoring a book on child-rearing, we need to be ready for it to invoke strong responses, and there will always be people who do not agree with its content. So, I wrote down my weaknesses. I am human, and parenting is not a good business. Nevertheless, I do believe that if we have the knowledge that has made the lives of 1043 children happier so far, and there is documented evidence for it, then we are obliged to introduce it to a broad audience.
I recommend this book to those parents for whom their children’s happiness is indeed important, who are ready to face their reflection, and who can handle criticism. To those parents who will do what it takes for their children to have happy and successful lives. Do not worry about how I tried to discourage you from reading the book in the earlier pages. Focus on the essentials: your child.